Paperwork
by gschelt
Summary: Cuddy/Cameron, some Thirteen/Cameron. Cuddy tries to keep her attraction to Cameron under control, but all she has to show for it is regret and jealousy. femslash. oneshot.


Sometimes I watched her. From high up in my chair in that nice Administrative Director's offices, I would watch her stride about doing House's work purposefully and passionately. I saw her around a lot; you tended to run into the same people over and over again at Princeton-Plainsboro, and it was too much effort to change your path even if you wanted to. House and I could never stay out of each other's way, and wherever I was stepping in, she was there too; standing behind him with the others, all three of them wearing tense frowns of anticipation. The way her delicately arched brows knit in concentration, the way she breathed through her mouth when she was deep in thought, the way she pushed strands of hair out of her face while I told House he could not carry out a procedure; these things I couldn't help but notice.

I rarely saw her laugh; she was a kind and caring person, as I knew House liked to ridicule, but she was fairly self-absorbed. From the way I watched her hurry on important errands, she was always taking care of business and always wrapped up in her own affairs. She didn't seem to much notice the world around her, too busy doing her job and saving lives. It was better this way; she was unable to notice the way I studied her from afar.

It was a terrible distance to watch from, I know, but it's not like I could do any better. I couldn't time my rounds so that I "accidentally" bumped into her, stopping to chat for a moment after innocently brushing my shoulder against hers. I couldn't approach her in the corridors, casually asking her for a ride home because my car "broke down." I couldn't invite her to have a drink with me after work, _because neither of us have anything better to do, because you look like you need to relax, because I'm not your boss after hours, because because because_…

I couldn't betray myself. It was all too easy to let myself get carried away, and in front of House, one slip would allow him to read me like a book. One little lingering gaze in his conference room, just one tiny gasp from accidental skin contact, and the jig would surely be up. He would know, and all his exaggerated jibes and winks would attract attention, ruining my attempt at secrecy for so long. If anyone ever found out about the way I thought of her, the humiliation would be more than I could bear. No, that wouldn't do at all.

I'll admit, maybe there was more to it than just sometimes watching her.

Then she was gone. Just like that, she had up and quit. For weeks my manicured nails had trembled over my paperwork, devastated that House could push her away like that, that he could do this to me. How could he do this to me? She was gone. I had nothing more to look forward to in my work. And since I had made my work my life years ago, it felt as though she took the only thrill of delight in my life with her out of Princeton-Plainsboro, tugging it out the door behind her as her coat flapped in the wind and her blue eyes sparkled.

This was the pathetic part. If watching a trainee from afar was a little pleasure that solely gratified me in my life, then my life was a sad wreck. I was well into my forties, all I ever did was work, and I came home to an empty house every night. And every night my back would arch desperately from nothing but a pillow between my legs and a vision of her fucking me on my office desk. It was sad, but it was the best I could do. And I was used to it.

If it was House in my position, he would have hired a hooker and gotten over it. Several times I had actually thought about it; thought about picking up a slender, pretty brunette who at least looked smart. I could afford it at least weekly, it would do my sex life wonders, and if I squinted hard enough the whore would look just like her.

But I never did it. I doubted it would have helped; if anything, it would have made it worse by forcing me to miss her even more.

Stupid, really. I barely even knew her.

When she came back, I was too stunned to know what to think. I was incredibly happy that my guilty pleasure was back in my line of vision again, but I was also worried that I was getting back into an unhealthy habit of watching and wanting her again. Why did I put myself through these paces if I knew nothing would ever come of it? She was gorgeous and alluring, I was shy and old. She was straight, and I was her boss. No, it just wouldn't happen. And yes, it was pointless to spend so much time thinking about her. But now she was _blonde_, and I really liked the color on her…

Since she didn't work for House anymore, I rarely ever saw her up close. There wasn't nearly as much for me to concern myself with in the E.R. But maybe it was a blessing in disguise, this distance from her. A chance for me to wean myself off of her. _Get over her, damn it. Stop thinking about her and get on with your pathetic life._

Everyone said the new green-eyed doctor reminded them of her, but I couldn't see it. Sure, they were both young female doctors with cool exteriors, (and that was enough for the male staff of the hospital who still couldn't tell them apart even though their hair colors weren't the same anymore), but that was where their similarities ended. Thirteen was cool, unflappable, and extremely self-confident. She gave off a pretentious vibe that she was trying to be mysterious on purpose, which may as well have added to her sex appeal, but I wasn't interested. Surprisingly enough, even after hearing the rumors about her, I still didn't find myself in the least bit attracted to Thirteen. The rumors that she was bisexual… the most obvious and disappointing difference between Thirteen and my favorite E.R. doctor.

I had half-expected my stupid self to perk up hopefully when I heard that Thirteen… _batted for both sides_, so to speak. But it just wasn't like that. I had to go and be unpredictable. Not only did I have the unfortunate habit of falling for people that I had no chance with, I couldn't even have the decency to stick to a pattern. It was all getting very tiresome.

_Work, work. Do your paperwork and buy yourself a vibrator. _

I forced myself back into my job with an inward sigh and tried to adhere to a merciless routine so that I could lose my mind. I saw her around the hospital sometimes; picking up medications, dropping off files at the nurses' station, talking to Thirteen in the lounge. I would smile weakly and mutter hello whenever I had to, then get the hell out of there and back to my office, where a nice fat file would be waiting on my desk. Losing my mind was certainly the right term for it; I didn't think quite so much anymore.

That was good.

Nothing naughty sprung to mind when I bumped into her in the restroom. My face would be flushed in the mirror over the sink five minutes later, but my eyes were blank… if not a bit sad and tired. I didn't drift off to Sapphic dreamland anymore when House brought her up. And I felt only the slightest twinge of jealousy when I headed for my car in the parking lot one night and spotted her and Thirteen leaving together, arm in arm and laughing cheerfully. _Probably girls' night out. I guess they're friends now. _I turned the key in the ignition and drove home.

I didn't think anything when I noticed Thirteen hanging around the E.R. more then Taub or Kutner did. I brushed aside the possibility of a thought when they left together after work with increasing frequency. I refused to think anything every time I caught a surreptitious smile between the two. I tried not to think at all when I walked in on them sitting in the lounge, and she was dreamily twirling Thirteen's hair in her fingers as they sat very close to each other on the couch.

I tried not to make too much noise when I hunched, retching, over a toilet bowl in the women's room.

The paperwork was waiting for me when I returned to my office, and I attacked it desperately, hoping to relieve some pressure on my frantic mind. _Focus, damn it, focus. Do your job and nothing else, and everything will be okay. _I flipped pages recklessly, trying to concentrate. _Apparently the first time they missed the tumor on the CAT scan, apparently you missed the signals, apparently she could be attracted to a woman, apparently you missed your chance, apparently shut up shut up shut the fuck up._

It was nearly midnight by the time I finished every scrap of paperwork in my office. Defeated, I had no choice but to put down my pen and head home. Home, with its yawning doorways and empty beds. I was going to masturbate myself into a coma tonight, and I was dreading every minute of it. Sighing, I switched off my desk lamp and made my way for the employee locker room to grab my coat and purse.

I opened the door to the locker room quietly and let it shut behind me with a soft click, pacing down the row of lockers, looking for number one-thirteen. I currently wished I had any other number.

Twelve. Twenty-seven. Thirty-two…

My locker sprang open and I gathered my things, in a hurry to leave. I hadn't wanted to go home, but now Princeton Plainsboro had become unbearable. Everywhere I turned was now a possible setting for someone else to do what I used to dream of doing to her. All I could think about was Thirteen staring at her in the cafeteria, Thirteen whispering in her ear in the E.R., Thirteen kissing her in a storage closet, Thirteen fucking her in a shower stall…

I froze as I passed the third aisle of lockers, then jumped back as though I had been burned. I leaned against the wall for a moment, breathing heavily, then slowly peered around the corner.

Thirteen had Cameron up against the lockers, panting into her mouth as she kissed her mercilessly. Cameron's eyes were shut, with one leg hitched around Thirteen's waist and one hand thrust up her shirt. They ground against each other rhythmically, plunging tongues into one another's mouths and reaching all over each other's bodies.

"Like that," Thirteen growled breathlessly as she shoved one hand past Cameron's waistband and out of sight.

"I, oh my God…" Cameron gasped, arching her head back and squeezing Thirteen tight.

"Yeah, you fucking like that," Thirteen whispered savagely as she brought her face close to Cameron's neck and began biting it.

I backed out of there slowly and fled before I had to listen to her coming.

In my car five minutes later, I rested my head on the steering wheel and tried to catch my breath. _Oh God she was she was…_ I shook my head and tried not to hyperventilate. _Calm down, just calm down dear God calm down. _As the tears splashed onto my lap, I felt old and ugly and desperately alone. I wished I were younger, I wished I were braver, I wished I were someone else. I wished I were a twenty-something bisexual intern once more. But I wasted my life with nothing to show for it, _and god damn it when she has a hickey tomorrow I'm going to vomit_.

I drove home and called an escort service.


End file.
